Too much of anything, even things you love doing, can be not so good. I think that’s where I’m currently at. Without putting too fine a point on it, I’ve been having so much fun lately that I’ve barely had enough time to think, let alone write my blog. And I am still struggling to write.
I do seem to require to be damaged, or sad, or troubled to be at my best creatively and quite frankly for the last couple of weeks I’ve felt anything but that. I’ve reaquainted myself with my charisma after what seemed like an eternity apart and as a result making friends has become extremely easy for me again.
No sooner has one group come and gone then I seem to meet another bunch who are equally intent on ripping Pattaya a new one. I don’t quite know how I’ve managed to keep up with these young tykes but if anything I’m the one up earlier and with more left in my reserve tank than the lot of them put together. Im also old enough to steer them back on the right path when it all goes tits up, as it quite often does when industrial amounts of alcohol is involved. And they are extremely grateful for that (afterwards).
I’m young at heart, always have been, which helps, and since the touch ups with a few of my favourite cosmetics, a new haircut and got rid of my goatee, I’ve shaved another 5 years off my appearence too. My new buddies take great delight in asking the ladies how old they think I am before seeing their pretty faces drop with shock and awe. I’m cool with that. If I can be a source of amusement or make people laugh I’m all for it! I’ve also been keeping them giggling with my ability to mimic all their regional accents, which I’ve always had a knack for too. All in all, I doubt I have had so much or given so much fun to so many people in I really don’t remember how long.
There are of course other reasons to the source of my happiness, but as the saying goes here, ‘What happens in Thailand stays in Thailand!’ I’m not going to expand on that but I will say if you really don’t know what I’m talking about then you’d best Google Pattaya..
But back to ‘Too much Chocolate’. The downside of all this raucous fun is I’m having very little time to think. What with all the pool parties, boat parties, hotel room parties, bar parties and this all-round hedonistic behaviour, I barely stop. But on balance this has to be a good thing. If there is one thing I’ve always done way too much of it’s think. I could think for England and still have time to do The Guardian Crossword. I’m having a holiday from thinking.
On the only occasion I did allow myself to I fucked up big time. Let myself down and undid a month of good work. And I really can’t afford to do that. If you send your ex a misplaced SMS you probably feel like a loser the next day. If I do it, I risk being sent to jail. Yes it’s that serious a mistake for me. It was nothing bad, as usual, just me wishing her well but I’m not allowed to do that. I’m allowed to think but never act. Sometimes I wonder would It be best to through my phone away.
And worse still I shouldn’t even be thinking of her in the first place. I have no idea how or why in my rare moments of thought I think it’s a good idea to get in touch with the one person who has treated me worse than any other human I’ve ever met. How dumb am I? How much more pain do I want to endure? And every time I do it she wins a little more and I lose even more. We both have new lives now and our paths will never cross again. Of that I am sure and I think we both know that’s for the best.
I’m in a place where even an ego as smashed as mine can be rebuilt in a record time, where there is endless amounts of fun to be had. Where I can have a different girlfriend every night of the week if I desire and know that I will be will be cared for and loved for as long as I want.
But that’s just it I think. I don’t want that. After 4 years in a hell of a relationship where I was stripped back to bare bone, where my heart was ripped from me and danced all over, where my confidence was torn from me like a page from a book daily. No, no no and no again.
That’s not for me right now. I’m fighting to keep myself single, to keep all my options open, to keep full control of my life. To give nothing of myself away except the short term bits I want to. I’m on a journey, destination still unknown but I do know where it doesn’t lead. It doesn’t lead back to the Shire or even to the dreary country I call home. Not now, not for a long time. I went into a replica British pub the other day and just being there confirmed how much I don’t need that right now. Sterile, lifeless and with a lot of sad faces in it. Atmospherless.
Right now, just for a change, it’s all about me. The ‘too much chocolate’ stage will finish and another one will start. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow.
What’s the rush? Time is on my side for once. It’s all I have. It’s all I want.