So I’m back in Pattaya. And feeling rather flat after a rather big night on my return from Koh Samet. A new friend made a week ago on route who I’ve been hanging out with has moved on for pastures new. That’s the bad thing about traveling. People come and go. It’s best not to get too attached but I can’t help it. He’s a good guy with the kind of free spirit that I aspire to. He’s headed off in the general direction of Cambodia. If the gods are good to me we will meet up again in Vietnam for the bike ride. 

So why am I back in Sin City? A couple of reasons. Firstly a spot of health tourism. I’m always a big fan of that. It always amazes me that more people don’t do it. For the price of a £1200 crown in the UK you can take a free holiday here to Thailand and still have change after getting 3 done. I had my teeth Lasered X Factor white and also indulged in a spot of cosmetics. I might be 50 but I try to look after myself. Modesty prevents me shouting too loudly but people generally get my age wrong by at least 5 years which is always a very nice compliment. But as I always say, it’s not the age but the milage baby that matters, and if that’s the case them I’m a verified jalopy! 

The other reason is not so much fun. Seems what with my breakdown and the hastily organised departure from my gloom, the small matter of my tax return was overlooked. Life admin still goes on when you are off trying to forget about everything. Seems all I’ve managed to forget is my tax return. So I have 2/3 days in an internet café on excel to look forward to. That’s a horrible thought but the unseasonal rains at this time of year in Thailand make it a bit easier to swallow.  

I’m flat today though. I’m not sure why. It may have something to do with the lack of sleep. I’ve not slept more than a few hours a night since I got here. Even the Mirtazapine I’ve been taking for depression, which used to mean lights out London in 15 minutes, has not done the trick. Valuim is available in all the pharmacies here but there’s no way I’m spoiling my perfect record of being a drug free zone since I landed. And there are enough naughties here to satisfy the most ardent addict. It’s not for me. Yes I’m partying and drinking but I think I may have been tipsy one night in 8. 

This is not the place to be stone cold sober but I’m looking for a retreat to book myself into and study Buddhism, something I’ve always wanted to do. And where better than the biggest Buddhist country in the world? 

I’ll probably be here another week before off properly on my travels. I want to organise another escape too, but more of that later.

Right now it’s all about me, and that feels good for a change. I seem to have spent the last 3 years compromising and worrying about someone else at the total expense of self.  And where did they get me? It got me addicted, locked up and left, that’s where.

Don’t ever do that to yourself. I’m now appreciating the people that do care for me and not those that couldn’t give a toss. It’s hard to let go, of course it is, but so many people have been so kind to me of late. I have friends I didn’t know I had. I hope I’ve thanked them all. I’ve underestimated people and for that I am sorry. 

So what if someone thinks I suck? I can’t please everyone. I’ve put my faith in the wrong people. Bad eggs one and all. Fuck that. From now on I only want good, loyal people in my life. And that will keep me safe.