Actually that’s a lie. I didn’t spend any time Bangkok. I met a guy at the airport in Mumbai and by the time we had landed in the Thai Capital 5 hours later I had met another 2. So the Austrian guy from Vienna (the coolest of towns) and us 3  Brits all shared a cab for the 90 minute ride to Pattaya, party capital of Thailand.

I came to the Land Of Smiles 20 years ago and never came here and now I know why. It’s Sin City with a very big S. It’s a place where I am not going to find my soul but it’s good to be around people that are care-free and happy. Maybe it will rub off on me. My mates have all got laid but I’ve still not had sex since September. I did meet an amazing looking girl, took her to my hotel and even got as far as getting naked. But when push came to shove I couldn’t do it and asked her to leave. My mates thought I was crazy but clearly I’m not yet ready. I’ve never been much for cheap sex anyway as it has always been linked to my head. I wish that were different. 

I’m out of here tomorrow and off to Koh Samet, a place I did visit before that I have fond memories of. It’s a quiet Island not far from here where I can begin to chill out. I need quiet reflection, not this right now.

My anti-depressants are almost in full flow now. I’m far less teary than I was before but the problem with these pills is you don’t feel much of anything. You can’t choose to feel the highs and not the lows. You feel numb, like having a dead leg. It’s a sort of empty feeling. Now I can relate to how my ex was feeling as she left. It’s a chemical safety net and that’s why I don’t like it and didn’t want to go on them.

But I’ll take that right now. It’s better than how I was feeling. I’ve never been so depressed as I was in that horrible flat. Alone and isolated. It was absolutely the worst I’ve ever felt.

I’ve taken the first step. It was the hardest. Now I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am making plans in my head and if all goes well I will finish off this trip to South East Asia with a motorcycle ride from Ho Chi Ming to Hanoi. It’s one of the great journeys in the world and I’m only 90 miutes from there. 

Get busy living or get busy dying right? 


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