Things are not getting any easier. I don’t know whether it’s just because it’s the holidays or whether my mental state is on the decline again. It feels like it might be. 

I made a promise after the court case that I would set out immediately to change my life but the truth is I am stuck again. I feel completely adrift in a sea of my own unbalanced thoughts. I know I must leave the Shire but to where? And it’s the more complicated by having anywhere to choose from. I know it sounds ridiculous. 

I’m just not in the right airspace to process all this. I broke down in Feb, again in May and again in September and all 3 times due to the ending of my relationship. I know you would all say I’m better of out of it. And you are doubtlessly right. But the point I’m making is if you add these all together, plus the addiction, abandonment, isolation and the few bits in between that have not been chaotic and this is what you get. I’m thinking I am wrong to try to carry on as normal. Nothing is or has been normal for so long. At least a year. I have existed in a high state anxiety and stress pretty much continuously.

My other monster has found a home in and Osho community in Dorset and I’m thinking it might not be a bad idea for me. I hate my new job anyway and it’s too much for me right now.

Many of the factors that led to my crisis are still prevelent and that worries me. I’m still in the flat we shared and surrounded by all that negative energy. Everything outside and inside. I’m still isolated. I’m still not looking after myself and I am still clinically depressed. And now I have a 2 year restraining order to contend with whilst still feeling all those urges to make contact. I know the difference between right and wrong, I did before too, but there is something inside of me that still needs to communicate. Having a restraining order does not take those feelings away just because it’s there. If anything it makes it worse. You don’t stop loving someone just because you are told to. 

I’m finding it very hard to keep going right now. I’ve even breached a Golden rule and semi-confessed of my predicament on Facebook, although I am not a fan of social media breakdowns I need all the help I can get.

My worry is that this is not going to be a one off for me. I seriously think right now this could be the start of the rest of my life being like this. The hole is so deep this time. I can’t see any foot pegs to start climbing out as yet. I was thinking today that this could be the worst situation I’ve been in for 15 years. Since I was stranded on a beach on Goa with no money and very little credit. Nowhere to head to and nowhere to go back to. That was grim. But I turned it around and pulled a rabbit out of a hat then.

God I hope I can find another one now.