5pm, Christmas Day.

I didn’t manage to volunteer at the Salvation Army as I’d hoped. I did wake up in time but I just turned over and instead got up at 1pm. I decided missing half of today was the best option. I’m not sure it was my best decision. I got text messages from all 3 of my children thou so it’s not been a completely awful day.

I had been invited to Christmas dinner but that didn’t happen so I’ve had a yogurt and a Thai Fishcake. I went for a walk around the Quay close to where I live and that just brought memories back. I know I’ve said it several times but being left here in the martial home surrounded by those memories have been the worst of all. Worst than the coke, the booze and the other stuff combined. Just awful. I am reminded by the minute of all that happened. I have no chance of moving on whilst I live here. I think had I got out of here and back to my old stomping grounds on the other side of town I would have avoided the worst of this. It’s just too far from anything I had resembling a friend. 

I have less of those friends now, thanks to my breakdown and people not liking being around me. It’s funny isn’t it how when you need people the most you push them the furthest away. I know now my time in the Shire is up. I knew it ages ago in all honesty. This latest mental fall has driven away not only my ex partner but my best friend here too. I have no family, no real reason to stay other than a job I don’t like and the houses I rent out to students. I have agents and maintenance men for that. I have 2 people I can call for help and advice but I hope I can do that from anywhere. 

The choice now is whether to put all my belongings in storage, give up the flat and take off as far away as possible for a bit, or hanging onto it all and just take a holiday. If I choose holiday I will be able to go within 48 hours, which appeals greatly the way I am feeling today. If I choose to give it all away now I will have to wait around for the holidays to end and I could be away by maybe the 2nd week in January. Then I could travel indefinitely and be rent free for as long as I desire (or homeless).

I don’t think I can stand to be here for that long. I’ve had some bad Christmas’s before but 2016 is perhaps the worst ever. I have been excluded from this one completely. I’ve often had something to look forward to, of to cherish to get me through. There is nothing on the horizon this year. 

Hey it’s only 5 hours to go now. Maybe I’ll sneak another post in later. Thank God for Blogs. 

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