Now the adrenaline has died down there is only the rawness left. I feel proper beaten up and like I have no more energy to fight my grief.

Yes I was very lucky yesterday, it certainly could have been a lot worse, I know that. Everyone is telling me what an early Christmas present I got. And I agree with all that.

But tomorrow is a trigger day as it’s a birthday and the day after is of course Christmas. And if that was my present then I have already opened all mine. I will be on my own for nearly all the holidays. I have bought nothing as I didn’t think I would be here. 

It’s too late to getaway to the sun now so I shall somehow get through this time on my own. Being on my own is the worst thing for me. I am a social animal. I’m trying to get a last minute flight to see a friend in Belgrade but there are none. You have to plan in advance to travel at Christmas and I couldn’t do that. 

I am very sad tonight. The hugeness of my task to rebuild my life is enormous, and I can’t make the kind of rash decisions that get me nowhere any more. I know I have to rip it all down, but as yet, apart from finally getting away from the flat we shared which has been so bad for me for so long, and cost me a small fortune alone for 11 months, it’s a blank peice of paper. And having so many options is a recipe for confusion. That’s why I go to Aldi instead of Sainsburys.

I will make it. I have to. And to that end tomorrow is only Saturday, and the next another Sunday.

How the hell do women move on so quickly? 

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