All those wrong turns could have caught up with me today but I scored a break finally. I am free to re-start my life unhindered and immediately.
A 2 year restraining order and a £300 fine including the drug bust. I am though banned from blogging about a certain someone. That’s sad, it was all anonymous as you all know (shock, horror – my name is not Shelly Long and who the hell is NG?) and I’m 100% certain she or anyone she knows is not reading it any more. Unless she has finally learnt how simple it is to hide your IP address. I think she was but I blew that too being a drunken smartarse. It’s OK, if I get this right I’m sure I will have plenty of other stuff to write about. I hope by 21st December 2018 when I am finally allowed contact again I won’t feel the need. But she will always be in my heart as someone I shared so many happy times with. I will never focus on the bad times and I completely understand why she had to do what she did. I want nothing more than for her to beat her illness, and to be happy and cared for for the rest of her life. Truly.
It’s strange thinking I shall never contact her again. I wish I could still write about us. It helps me understand myself. It always has. During the course of our relationship we exchanged some 7000 emails, 36,000 texts and shared over 8000 photos. As you can imagine that’s left quite a gap in my life. And it’s also clear I didn’t cope with that at all well. I am a writer so the 44 emails I was charged for could have all been sent in 1 day when we were together. And that is, by court order, the last time I can ever mention her. There is no order from her contacting me and if she ever forgave me I will always be here. I was only being smart and resourceful. She would have expected nothing less. I never meant any harm or threat and ultimately, as always, I hurt myself way more than anyone else.
I hope I don’t break my restraining order by saying that much. It would be a shame to have gone through all that I have only to end up in jail for my blog. Maybe I will start a new one somewhere else that no one has any knowledge of. I can’t have my creative side regulated. How can anyone write honestly whilst being censored? I will contact all my followers and friends privately to let you know my location.
Every serious mistake I have made in my life I can probably relate back to alcohol in all honesty. And I am ashamed to say it’s a pretty long list. The biggest mistake I make is by thinking I’m normal when I’ve had a drink. It’s hard enough for me to be normal when I am tea-total, let alone what I’ve been through since Jan 2014. (Since 1979 in actual fact) That was the last time I was a good, decent person. Since then I’ve been an impersonation of the person I now intend to be for the rest of my life. The mirror that has been so kind to me for so long was tricking my complex brain into thinking I was still ‘me’. I wasn’t. I was a fake.
I can see now that I always had to lose everything so that I am in this position today. I always have to go all the way. And that has led to me finally understanding my complex childhood trauma and more honestly, what a complete c+&t it made me. There have been so many innocent victims of a past I seem up until now to have had no control over. I’m so sorry to you all. But the more I recover I can see that I am an innocent victim too. My problems are as real as they are old. The problem with my kind of illness is you never realize you are even sick until it’s too late. Until everyone is gone.
I never pretended to be something I’m not. I am me. And I am lots of other me’s too. I know the me I want to be. I am strong because I have been dealing with this shit since I was 3 years old. I have never actually ever felt strong. But I am still here, so I must be. But that me has to die now. It is time to make the changes I have been putting off for so long. I will no longer do what I think makes happy, to try and conform. I am not like everyone else and my lifestyle has been strange to say the least. I have damaged my own mental health for years sitting around on my own because I didn’t have to work thinking I was cool, but it was the same as being long term unemployed in reality. How I filled all those years without actually ending up in the Nut house I will never know.
When you can ‘do anything’ (financially) it’s very hard not make the wrong choice. I have so many times in the past. Let’s hope I finally get it right.
I have made friends I never knew I had and support has come from all areas of the world. I have been humbled by it all. I hope I don’t let anyone down ever again. Thank you.
Merry Christmas everyone.