D Day has passed and been replaced with.. another D Day. As is often the case yesterday was an anti-climax. I had written out all the numbers I would need in jail, closed all my windows, said my goodbyes and withdrew a heap of cash. I didn’t sleep hardly at all. The case has been adjourned until tomorrow afternoon at which point I have to give my best interview ever if I want to stay a free man to the probation officer who will then recommend to the court what sentence I will receive. I’m prepared for jail. Better to expect the worst and hope for the best. I asked for the case to be expedited, the sooner this is over the sooner I can kill off my old life and start and new one. This one has to go. It’s no good for me or anyone else. As soon as this is done I’m so far out of here so fast I shall leave a dust trail. I can only hope it’s not too long until the day I get that chance.

Yesterday I did something I’ve not done since I was I don’t know how old. I cried nearly all day. Sobbed like a baby. I don’t think it was all about the court case. I think it was the culmination of so much stress over so long a period. Sure I’ve had tears before but they didn’t last long. This non-stop snot day goes all the way back to when I first discovered that she had slept with my housemate whilst I was India last Spring. Getting over that was hard, if not practically impossible. That’s when we should have called it a day. But no, we both clung on to something we thought we could save when it was unsaveable. 

I cried also for the time she moved out in February and left me with an 11 month lease in the flat we had just rented together. I cried for the time we got back from Barcelona for my 50th when she suddenly ended things again. I cried for the empty seat that I sat next to on my way to Vienna two weeks later when she cancelled a long pre-arranged trip to Vienna to see her favourite band. 

More tears flowed for all the times she would block me on WhatsApp mid conversation because I gave her an answer she didn’t like. The frustration all these events caused. 

Finally I cried for the let down in August when instead of moving back in with me she disappeared whilst I was on my home to care for her. There are so many reasons why I cried all day. 

It helped, I purged. I can see now I’ve seen her only on a pedestal through rose-tinted spectacles. I have been blinded by love and ignored the truth. The truth being this was an extremely unhealthy relationship for both of us. 

I’m so pleased she has moved on and found happiness. I’m equally sorry that our time together will end with my incarceration or at the very least my termination from my current employer. I’m sorry that we will never talk again but I can understand.

Compared to where I was a month ago, I’ve come a long way emotionally. But I’ve still got so much further to go. I can only hope that with Christmas around the corner and my mitigation and acceptance of my responsibly it won’t be too long before I can start to rebuild my life.

I can see now do have to rebuild again. It’s a task I know all too well. It seems to happen on average every 4 years. I can’t do this again in another 4 years so let’s hope I can finally get it right. 

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