I am almost paralysed with fear. I spent from 4pm until midnight at my old local drinking just 4 shandies  all day. I had to leave work early as the fear and panic I am feeling just became too much. Today is no better. I took a bath, did some cleaning and other chores but when I stop and think, I am Frozen.

Why didn’t I just go away as planned? Why did I choose the wrong option? Why did I think I was strong enough to not only see off the monster, get a job and stop contacting her? I might have managed one, but I was never going to cope with all 3. Talk about biting off more than I can chew. 

Why did I install Viber and why didnt I get on that plane to Thailand? It was so dumb thinking I could have found all that inner strength without so much as friend to turn to. I crashed and burned and as this horrible, horrible year draws to a close it can get worst still. 

How can I cope with this? I can’t. As the minutes tick down my heart beats faster and faster and I even tempted to see the Monster again. Just to get me through. 

Fuck.

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