It’s not been an easy few years. In all honesty I’ve had addictions to Benzos, chemicals, weed, booze and at last count at least 3 major breakdowns. I’ve been lost for years. The more I think about it the more I wonder is it me or is the lifestyle I’ve chosen? The people I’ve chosen to surround myself with. Would it have been different had I not been in a relationship that was hard work to say the least. I seem to have spent the last 2 years or so holding on to something that had become not very healthy, no matter how much love there was. Coping with trust and infidelity and NG’s own mental illness along the way has not been easy.

And it has led to me taking to my old ways to try and deal with this. I’m not blaming her, I am responsible for my own actions but would I have crashed so many times had I not been left so many times? I crashed on 2 occasions due to addiction and mixture of SAD leading to depression, the rest all due to being walked out on time after time after time only to go back into the Lions den to go through it all again. NG was just another drug I was addicted to that was bad for me, and her.

The beta blockers I’m taking seem to be great. The extreme level of high anxiety I was feeling by the minute have been reduced to just a few times a day. Being alone in the Mausoleum is the worse. Being at work is much better – it’s a shame I will lose it next week when I am convicted. In the slim chance I don’t go to jail I will lose it anyway as I work for the Government. 

What a shame I couldn’t have sorted out the proper medication before I fucked my life up.

Oh well, acceptance is the key. I cannot change what I have done and fighting it is useless. I just want it done now.

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