I just want all this over now. The stress of waiting for the court case is unbearable. More unbearable than not being able to contact NG. I’m pretty sure that save for a miracle I will be spending Christmas in jail.

I know I have broken the law, but I was/am sick. I’m not a criminal. Isn’t it abundantly obvious from tbis blog that I am sick and not a criminal? Do you think locking me up is going to help me? In amongst hardcore villains? 

Someone said I will be sent to hospital. Ha, if I could get myself into one don’t you think I’d have put myself in there by now. You only get sectioned if you are a danger to yourself or others, and as much I have been tempted to hurt myself,  I’m quite sure I wouldn’t have the nerve. And I have never been violent to others. 

The stress of my new job is not helping either. It’s a tough job with lots of travelling and I still can’t concentrate fully but I tell myself that it’s better than sitting around the mausoleum all day worrying about things. How I wish I had never seen that photo on the chat program and had gone to Thailand as planned. Then none of this would have happened. I just had an image of NG being sick and having a tough time, not falling in love and having a ball. The last thing she said to me was she had Cancer. I thought about little else for months.

But it seems I was the only one sitting around being sick. I have allowed this to ruin my life. No one will understand the complex reasons behind why this happened. I will simply be treated as another statistic a week Tuesday. 

I am so scared. How can I think about anything else? It’s clear I won’t be going anywhere for a very long time except to the locked room. 

If this is justice then there is none. I still have her mad ex contacting me for her details and going on and on about Karma. Maybe this is all my Karma catching up with me. There is no way on earth I will give him anything. I still love her enough to protect her. She doesn’t deserve that. A friend of hers intimated that she was leaving the UK and if that’s true then I wish her nothing but the best. Maybe when she has got to where she is going she will feel calm enough to contact me one day. I hope so. I don’t bare her any grudges for all this. She gave me the rope and I dutifully hung myself with it. The fact my illness had long taken away my normal reason is not a defence. I simply got too sick. I was torturing myself as much as anyone else. I was wrong to not seek help sooner. But one of the problems of my illness is you don’t know you are ill until it’s too late. 

And now it’s too late.