I feel very very alone right now. And really scared. I don’t have anyone to turn to give me a hug or an encouraging word. Im exactly what I don’t want to be, an island. Who can I tell anyway? Those I could would tell me they told me so and wash their hands of me. As if they haven’t already. 

I fucking can’t believe how very sick I got. I was fine and all of sudden it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I thought I had made it through but when it became clear NG was not even in the Shire, and was living a full and happy life when the last I heard she was gravely ill with Cancer, It sent me loopy big style. I had been sitting here worrying for her health by the hour.

Don’t get me wrong, I am pleased she is well, and happy. Really. I just tortured myself more and more, until I had become really sick. Maybe I hung on so long because I had a sneaky suspicion this would happen. After all, when she left in January the same thing happened to a lesser extent because she was at least talking to me. That saved me that time. Not this. I have hit the bottom this time as has been proven by my irrational thinking. And it has ended where I begged it wouldn’t. I needed help from other humans and 2 hours a week with my councillor was simply not enough. 

I cracked. And now I must pay like a criminal for being sick with love, depression and addictions.

I don’t know if I can do this anymore