She used to say. Yeah right? How much more proof of my weakness do you need? I feel very uncomfortable in my skin again. It was getting better but now being in the flat where we lived is eating away at me. I went for a walk but there is only walks that we did together outside my front door. The last photo of her I ever took was in the exit of my estate to the real world that now scares me and remind me. How I wished we hadn’t signed that year long lease last December. She moved out in January and I’ve literally been stuck here since. It’s been so very bad for me here. 

I just got sicker and sicker. Doing everything I could subconsciously to make NG and more importantly me feel worse. Pushing it to the max whilst being too ill to see it. Only one thing was ever going to fix me and by my uncontrollable actions I just kept pushing it further and further away. I expected others to save me from myself when I clearly couldn’t. I pushed for the unconditional love I had absolutely no right to ask for but I was 13 again. Asking for that at this time shows the level of my illness. 3 of the last 4 years have been hell, so what made me think I suddenly had a right now? 

I need help. And I need it right now. But there is no one. Just me, and I’m as low as it’s possible to be. I can’t cope anymore.