I feel so stupid now. I should have woken up yesterday and thanked her for finally sending me a firm instruction. It had been what I was asking for, and unfortunately for me it arrived after I’d been drinking for 6 hours and was in no fit state to think let alone email. I should have just thanked her for being good enough to put me straight. Instead, due to my emotional state plus alcohol I messed it up. It is a mistake I will pay for some time to come

I wish her Aunt had spoken to her as soon as we had finished our chat and maybe she wouldn’t have felt the need to report me that very afternoon. I wish NG had known I had agreed not contact her with her Aunt. We spent 2 hours talking and it turned out to be for nothing. But I don’t catch those breaks right now. I am without doubt my own worst enemy. 

I feel ashamed and sorry for my actions. I know now that as much as I just wanted her to acknowledge me, I was inadvertently harassing her. I took her silence as hope and was inspired by her visits to my website  but I was just upsetting her. I was doing exactly the opposite of what I wanted her to feel. I was being selfish again in the extreme and the fact it’s because I have a very serious Complex Childhood Trauma is not going to count for much with the Magistrate or the Probation office. 

There is a very real chance I will spend Christmas in jail. This is a 2nd offence for me in 5 years after I was charged for contacting my ex that had aborted our child without discussion. I have only sent loving emails but there have been a lot of them, 4 or 5 a day. I was so sick with heartache, depression and the waive of emotions I’d finally let in after stopping my addictions substantially. Not completely unfortunately. I was tapering down with alcohol but it was a mistake. 

I can see now she just doesn’t want to hear from me. She is in love and happy and making her new life work for her. I am hopeful her cancer is under control and she can do as she pleases. I do want her to be happy. Honestly. 

Whatever happens to me now is of my concern. I have told myself that if I do get sent down at least I won’t be on my own for Christmas. I have to expect the worst, I just don’t know if I should resign my new job before I get sacked for having committed the offense.

It’s s long way back to anything resembling normality from here. I’m broken. Completely. I have so far to go now. I thought contact with NG would help my recovery, and whilst I still feel it would have, I can see that it didn’t help hers. I thought she was so happy she could spare me a little attention to help me. But I went about it all wrong. I was hopeful that one day we could speak again, maybe in 6 months or a year, but I know now that will never happen. 

I’m so articulate and exprssful, and I have some good skills, but when I get sick like this, I use them the wrong way. 

I wish someone could help me deal with this constant recurring nightmare. I think I need regression therapy to go back to the that locked room once and for all. I can’t go back there everything a relationship ends.

If you do ever read this NG. I am so so sorry. I struggled beyond comprehension to let you go. You were that special to me. My naughty goat! Take care and if you ever decide you can understand how and why this happened, and that I never meant you any harm, and that I have a good heart but a weak one. And it got smashed to pieces. I hold no grudges and wish you so much happiness and good health in your life. 

Ciao Draga

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