What a disaster. I proved again that me and alcohol should not come into any serious contact. I decided after somehow navigating my way through my first week of work that I would reward myself with a few drinks in my local that is not my local any more.
As the night went on I got more and more emotional. I was talking to a chap about my situation with NG. He had recently been through a break-up but it didn’t seem to help. Just made it worse. I ended up howling to myself in the Gents loo.
I fired off a series of sad emails to her and her Auntie in Denmark and surprisingly I got a reply from both. The Auntie told me to stop contacting her and then, for the first time in nearly 4 months, a reply came from NG herself. She said what I asked her to say if she didn’t want what I had offered. She said it could never be. I told her to tell me if it could or couldn’t. I fired off a few more mails saying thanks for treating me like a telemarketer.
I went to bed thinking it couldn’t be any worse. At least the confusion of silence had give me some hope, slim though it was. Now there none. Luckily before I finally blacked out I sent a message to her Aunt in Denmark asking if we could speak tomorrow.
I have just finished that call. And it made me feel better than anything has in long while. I told her of my depression, and of my trouble dealing with the extreme nature of our separation. She gave me a good hour of her time. Se listened kindly and gave me some good advice. She asked me to stop contacting NG as it upset her every time I did. She told me to stop finding out things. I explained that it was only that I had been deafened with silence that made my compulsion so strong. If I didn’t feel I was a cancer or was invisible I wouldn’t keep knocking on the door. I think she got where I was coming from and she kindly said after a few days thinking time, she might contact NG and tell her I was left feeling, and of my depression, or my disconnection with everything. The ultimate goal me being to have some limited contact with her. Not every week, just once in a while. Just to make me feel that I’m not so alone and that I can pull myself out of this slump. In weeks instead of months
I made a promise not to contact NG whilst she is thinking it. This will be hard. It could be 3 or 4 days and I at the end of it she may very well have decided not to help, not to get involved. I hope she won’t do that. This is one time when I really don’t want her reading the blog. I don’t want her thinking me and her Aunt are keeping secrets from her. But there another part of me that says it I can only show her that I can exercise some control. But I will fight the urge.
But she did stop me getting me getting in my car today and hurtling off in NG’s general direction. Walking the streets of provincial towns looking for her, freezing, and stuck in a crowd of happy Christmas shoppers whilst I continue my nervous breakdown in front of them.
How I wish I had someone in my life like her lovely aunt. Someone that will listen with genuine care and understanding. NG is a very lucky lady to have her in her life.
So, fingers and everything else crossed. Let’s hope I can finally catch a break.