It’s not easy knowing how long you should give someone to make the most important decision of their life. 2 days? A week? Probably no more. If they don’t know by then I guess the answer must be No. Especially someone who has not uttered a word to you for 4 months. Someone that I suspect will have a made a promise to herself that no matter what, she would never speak to me again. I didn’t deserve her time then. I was just a cock. I hadn’t worked it all then. Then, I was so angry with her I completely missed her point. 

I know how hard a decision that was for her to make and she has my real respect for being so strong. I wish I could be so. She must have wanted to say something so many times but she is stronger than that. Stronger than me for sure. She is so cool these days. So in control. She is awesome. 

But I’ve said to her that I do love her enough to be pleased for her new found happiness. And I mean it. If that’s what she honestly wants. Really. And I’ve asked her to stop the innuendo of silence and to let me let her go if that is her wish. 

I’ve offered her everything I think she could ever want. And everything I could possibly want. I’ve confided my lesson learnt because of my inability to think straight due to my constant haze. I told her I’ve seen the devil up close and that was quite enough for one life thanks. Totally.

It’s been nearly 4 months since we’ve spoken. And we’ve both been through so much in that time. One has been proactive and one has not. One has made hay and the other.. not so much. 

I will let her go if she tells me to. If she doesn’t, I dare say I will go on hoping beyond hope that her silence is nothing but a sign of her uncertainty. Wehave been  here before too. We both know this place well, her more then me. She was a month into a relationship before when one day she woke up and ‘just felt better’.. I won her back that time but I know that was 18 long months ago. Before I fucked up again…

I will leave her to think. I’m shit at waiting. I’ve waited a long time. But I wasn’t ready before. I can wait a bit longer. I know I will never be able to give or offer more to keep her love than I know I have this time. 

I know I’m all in.