I have sent NG a mail I couldn’t have sent before now. Before I finally got here. To where I always should have been before I let everything turn to shit and let my useless life finally disintegrate like it should have done years ago. I have offered everything that I was, that I am, was and what I will be in the future. I have offered everything I have to share. Now and forever. And my god do i mean it from the bottom of my heart. I have asked her to have faith one last time in me. It’s a tall ask. I know. But then, I’d never been to hell and seen the soul of the devil either before. I’d never been that close to the edge. I wish I always didn’t have to test my death wish before deciding it’s probably not my best idea. 

I still think we have that connection. I still feel her close to me, even is she doesn’t visit the blog anymore. Who can blame her after what I said on the High of knowing she was thinking about me.  The Connection I never thought would break. Whatever has happened. I know this can’t go on forever. My giving unreturned love. She wouldn’t want that either. Even if she had promised herself never to write to me again, I have asked her to not let me keep this dream a moment longer after she decides what she wants. I have asked her to let me let her go with a clear and definitive answer. Once and for all. 

But I had to speak the truth from my heart before I finally let her go, if thats what she decides. I love her enough to do that. I love her very much. I’m not obsessed, or sick. I simply know I love her more than I could anyone else simply because I know what we’ve been through together. I know I can’t replicate that. Let alone everything else that makes me absolutely crazy for her. 

I have offered her the security she deserves, not demands. I have offered her to stay abstinent, not just for her, but for myself. I realise now my brain is firing again just how much all that skunk was clouding me. I will forever from here forward not include it in my list of Shame. It might be legal in 40 states in the USA but it stops me seeing clearly. I can see that clearly now! 🙂

I feel like I have an extra brain. An extra eye. What was unclear is crystal. What I thought my feelings were under the cloud were not what they really were. Fuck I was stoned for years and it’s amazing I ever made a good decision in that time compared to my clarity now. I underestimated Skunk! 

I’m making plans. With or without NG but my oh how I hope they include her. I’ve suddenly decided life is for living, is short, and what the fuck am I hoarding cash for? And I want her to finally reap those rewards. She deserves my everything. Nothing less. Not even close to nothng less.

What am I doing in the Shire anyway? I have no family here, nothing but for a few friends with their own problems and lives. A local pub that’s not local and will send me wrong anyway. Agents will care for my houses. I am so need of a fresh start too. Like NG. I need to be brave too. It’s cool. I’m all over it now. I’m moving closer home, I’m not looking for never ending holidays in the sun no more. The sun is wherever I choose to shine. 

When I am firing, I am a sight. I think there is little I couldn’t achieve in my life if I set my mind to it. I am a smart guy. I have wasted that smartness on nonsense for too long. I’m focused now. My life is not over. 

It’s just begun 🙂