Oh dear. I had a bad night and did stuff I shouldn’t have. I contacted NG. When I was really upset. A hit came up on my site from the general area I believe she has started her new life and I foolishly assumed it was her. I foolishly hoped it was her. I felt her presence close again thou. So I fired off a very emotional email that I now very much regret. But if I had been thinking clearly I’d have known she is never awake at 2am. She is rarely up past midnight. It wasn’t her. She is not looking back I’m pretty sure.
Even it was her why she is looking? Is she just making sure I’m not dead or am I on her mind more than I think? Or is she just making sure I’m keeping my word not to follow her and her actions are based in fear? Lord I hope not. That’s the last emotion I want her to have.
I may have said stuff that’s not right. It’s not possible to see where someone is looking at my site from. The best my stats tell me is the location of the service provider. If someone in Slough is using a server in Manchester, I see that address. It’s not exactly Google Maps as fellow bloggers will know. There are loads of server farms in the area I think she may be in the Thames Valley. And if the hit is from a mobile network it is generally shown as London.
But if I did know where she was I would keep my word to not attempt to follow her. I wouldn’t want her ever looking over her shoulder for me. I’d want her to know that. To feel assured in that. I’d never ever point my car in that direction unless I was asked. Invited. And I know that’s a very slim possibility.
What I’d give to have a final chance to say ‘Goodbye’ properly. For those last horrible exchanges not to be our final memory of each other. The extreme severity of the nature of our ending is honestly ripping me up inside still. She can’t feel good about it either I’d suspect. She is not a spiteful person.
It’s difficult if not impossible for her to contact me and me her. There are legal issues. It is perilous for both of us. Especially me.
But if she is still out there, and if she does read this, then she will know we’ve been here before. And we found a way then.
I know I can ask nothing of her any more. I know her new life is her priority. As it should be. And I know that does not involve me. And I will be glad for her.
But I hope she will think about making that call. I hope she will let herself see that we don’t deserve for it to be left like that.
Not like that.