3 days clean and I’m feeling a bit better. This is the cleanest I’ve been in a long time. I’m still not sleeping or eating well but my head is clearing now the Skunk, Charlie and Booze are not my only sustenance. My weight is now the same it was when I was 18. 69kg. I’ve never been this small. I wonder will I end up like Benjamin Button by the time this story ends?
The house is clean and smelling good and I’m looking forward to seeing my councillor later today. I’m even more encouraged that I have heard from my son in London. It’s early days but I’m thankful we are taking the first steps to repair the damage. Life is too short to hold grudges, especially with those you love. I’m hopeful I’ll get to London and see him and his new wife before Christmas. He doesn’t know about all this. And I will keep it that way. I hate to say I’ve seen him have his heart broken too and he takes it almost as badly as I do. But the wife he has chosen will never do that to him. I’m immensly proud of all he has achieved and I’m going to tell him that more often.
I also made contact with a friend who I’ve not touched base with in a long time. Over a year. I didn’t meet with her then because I was fully committed to NG after the ‘Portuguese Incident’. She has left the UK since. She kindly invited me to visit and I might if I decide this job is too much too soon. People seem to think I’m crazy to go to work and hanging around all winter instead of jetting off anywhere I feel like. I learnt this year, again, that going away fixes nothing. The shit is all still here when you get back. The only thing missing was generally my Naughty Goat! I’d be far more interested in moving to another town in the U.K. A real fresh start with no languages to learn. In civilisation, closer to the chaos I still miss of London. She had some good ideas I wish I’d listened more to. I can get a job anywhere when I want to work full time. And I reckon I’ve had long enough off anyway. Tbe Devil makes good use of idle hands.
I have spent too long trapped in my Childhood Trauma. It got worse the more the rejection became more total and without mercy. Is any rejection without mercy? Well, yes and no. There are a few ways to avoid all that pain and I’ve always sought them out when possible. Why wouldn’t you want to end a loving relationship with dignity and self -esteem in tact?
There is no need to make the injured party feel any worse than they will anyway. I don’t want to rip out their heart and make them hate themselves. There’s never a need to do that. But I know some people just need to run away too. If she did reach out I wouldn’t ask her where she was, or who she was with. I’d just like to know she’s doing ok. That her health is good. That she is happy. And that I hold no grudges or harbour any hopes of regular contact. Just to be accepted and not dispised works for me. I hope she can make that call and say the ‘Goodbye’ she never did at least. After Turkey she only spoke to me for 2 minutes and was spitting venom the whole time. I don’t think she had ever spoken to me so harshly. She was not interested in a discussion. I wish that wasn’t my final exchange with her.
Her final sentence ever being “I’d rather have Cancer than be you!”. I gladly take responsibility for the failure of our relationship but I’m not sure what I ever did to deserve that.
So I will take the gains and put them in my bank. I’ve still got loads of work to do and some big decisions to make. But it’s not looking so impossible now. My gut feeling that someone was looking out for me was wrong. Tbe is no one but me. Wishful thinking. She hadn’t looked back except to make sure her trail is covered. There is no time for her think of me with her illness, her new lover and her new town.
I have written a book about her that with a good editor would make a fine novel so I’m told. Im glad it will always be here. It will make it real. Not like it never happened. I doubt I’m finished yet. Maybe she’ll read it one day and laugh. Maybe she’s already laughing. I hope someone writes a book about me one day! Ultimately, I had fallen a long way from my best, but I still loved her the best I could with what she gave me to work with at the time, which wasn’t very much. I wish she could have told me her love was gone. I could have understood that. But she never said those words.
I may crash again any minute. And here on my own over Christmas and New Year? Who am I kidding? Maybe I’ll meet tbe love of my life before then. You never know. I wish I as unpicky as she seems to be. If I can hold it together I’ll be in front of non stop Nurses soon.
I do know that if I can stay clean, sober and skinny, I’ll have a much better chance of finding out. I am so much nicer when I don’t give in.