I don’t want to add to her stress. I just want some of mine relieved. The 3 months of being blanked and left out of the blue have hit me hard. I can’t lie about that. Everyone can see that. And the last thing I want is to be needy. 

She has been stressed before. The guy she  took comfort in when fate again decided I was away when she needed me. He ended up attacking her with a knife after a month. I was there for her then. I even showed her how to how hide her online identity so he couldn’t reach her. It’s kind of ironic I find myself the target of that same tactic. I told her how to deal with it legally too. And she has done so. The only positive I can take right now is that she has seen fit to not make the situation worse. I thank her for that. 

I hope she doesn’t see me like him. I’ve never threatened her and I never would. She will never have to wonder if I’m waiting around a corner. I would never do that. Sad emails and poems is more me.  I hope our 4 years together meant more to her that she would think like that. I just want my friend back. That’s good enough for me. 

If I could just make her see that the more invisible I am the more it makes me scream to be seen. Feeds the damaging and unhealthy obsession that stops me functioning. I know she has to protect herself but I can’t make her see she need not worry. I’m realistic enough to know she’s never coming back. I get that.

But why does it need to be so painful? Why can’t we rise above the pain and still matter to each other in some way? Why do we have to behave like the other is dead? I  can’t do that. “It’s A Wonderful Life” is my favourite film  only because his nightmare is a just a bad dream. He did have a happy ending. He did have love . But he knew what it was like to be invisible. 

To do so erases me and validates my lifelong fear of desertion. It kills me. It activates all my demons.

I didn’t get here by myself, this hole. I tried everything to avoid it. But if it ever ended like this it was just a matter of time. It’s how I am. I wish it was not so. I am in quicksand. 

The more I struggle without a rope the more I’m sinking.

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