I let her down. I see now I am not the man she left everything for 4 years ago when I was clean. She changed her life when she thought she had nothing left to lose, her life included. I need to learn from her.
It was a gradual decline. This is why I am back amongst you all on the lonely wires of Internet blogging. Searching for my soul in the darkness that has become my home, my only refuge from the world I refuse to meet on equal terms. There are no safe limits for people like me. I am an addict of anything that’s addictive. Anything that’s bad for me. I quit one and replace it with another. Anything that stops me dealing with now. I lie to myself that 40% of my ‘game’ is enough because I know I’m smart but never like to try too hard. I don’t give love in case I get hurt again but expect to receive it. So I close off. Not Present.
I wrote myself an a ‘Break Here In Case Of Emergency’ survival guide 4 years ago and left it on the fucking Internet! You can’t lose it there. I deserve no sympathy for not seeing the writing on the wall but for also not listening to the wisdom I had preached from my glass mountain. Learnt the hard way. As if I know anything else.
Only a fool can be so blind. Or an Addict. One last line, it will be OK. It fucking won’t be… ‘You are not like everyone else!’
I’m sick of hurting myself. I’m even sicker of hurting the ones I love the most, and were kind enough to give me a chance. I’m sick of this constant delayed route to disaster I call life. That I call Normal.
The best time to do this was 30 years ago. The 2nd best time is right now.