“Go and be happy and fun and intelligent and worthy and clean and succesful and awesome. Or, you could just sit there in your hovel and drink and smoke and snort or sniff or whatever the fuck you do and fall over sometimes and wonder why you’re not a good catch. To be a good catch again, you need to SWIM IN THE FUCKING SEA!”

Well said. An old friend who I’ve not spoken to for a long time has come back into my life again as a result of this blog. I’m pleased she has. 

She texted me this earlier when I was telling her of my struggles. She has a way with words being a fellow Blogger. 

I can be clean and successful and awesome. I’ve done it before. And I have the power and ability to change my life in a moment. I’m financially secure and could go save Whales in the Artic or spend 6 months driving along the length of Route 66. I’ve always wanted to do that. I could go and build a school in Cambodia. I could do something humble that makes me heart work again. Makes me ok to look in the Mirror  without seeing the Monster looking back. I could be out of here in a week.

Or I could sit here here and do all of the things my friend said in the text. Today I found out NG’s cancer is not the kind a day operation takes care of. She is seriously ill. I’m devastated to hear this. 

But she clearly wants nothing more from me than to let her go. To let her be free of me and tackle whatever the world has in store for her with her new love. I wish I could stop loving her just because she tells me to. 

But my friend is right. I can’t go on killing myself like this. Something has to change.