I got the job.

That makes me laugh, how bad was everyone else then?  How bad was their good? How good is my bad, how good is my good?! I had assumed that like everything else right now it was not to be. I was shit in that interview, even if I say so myself. And I was glad they had not called. As much as I know in normal circumstances it would be the best thing for me, things are anything but normal. How normal is anything when this anonymous internet blog is the only place I have to share this news? No one to text or call to feel happy with me. I don’t know how to celebrate by myself. I won’t put it on my Facebook. I haven’t used social media since the Monster came back.

The trouble with becoming nocturnal is that you never get anything done. It feels better to be awake when all are asleep. It takes the pressure I still put on myself away knowing there is nothing to actually do, except be here with myself and this blog.

I wake up daily around 3.30pm to a number of flashing voicemail and message alerts on my Iphone, alas never from the only person I actually want to hear from. She will not look back now. She has travelled too far. Put too much space between us. Done her hard yards and put her coping mechanisms in place. If I were on my death bed I still wouldn’t expect to hear from her.

But it doesn’t stop me hoping. She will think her very survival depends on it. It doesn’t. I know I could be her a good friend to her, be of some value. She was always my best friend. One of the last things she said to me was it was obvious she didn’t feel the same way about me as I did about her. It shocked me at the time, when I was still deluded. But I can she was right about that too now. I was mad for her and she was drifting slowly further away. Until she was completely out of reach.

She has strength now she never had before. I think her illness gave her that. I hope she is doing well. I can only hope that she is. She has love and support and family to ease her pain. I wouldn’t want her to see me like this anyway. But to not come away without nothing, not so much as a good thought, after 4 years seems to me to be a very poor return on one the biggest investments in both our lives. I can’t make her want to be my friend. There’s is no value left in me for her now.

As I fail to meet every single appointment due to my sleep pattern, my car is still in deepest darkest Devon when it should have been here 3 days ago, I can never make it the shops, even for essentials and my landlord duties are being neglected.  How the fuck am I going to do my first full time job in 10 years when I have a £500 Monster on my back, a recurring childhood trauma, a hole in my heart the size of Moon and the self esteem of a demon?

I didn’t say No.. I have had enough of saying No to things. I quickly invented a story that I was just off to Dubai to see the climax of what has been a very long and exciting F1 season. I couldn’t be back until a week Tuesday. I have been there 2 out of the last 3 years with NG, with one being great and the other, the most recent, being this time last year, the start of the end.

Not only do I miss her, but I miss her parents too. They live there. We went there together loads. I got on so well with them and they never took sides when NG and I would argue. After my granddad, I think her parents, especially her father, might be the kindest people I know. You don’t just lose 1 person when it all falls apart. It really makes me sad to know I will never see them again either. I did send a brief mail to her father weeks ago but now she has drawn the battle lines of no contact ever again, it would be expecting too much for him to reply. I admire his loyalty. He’s a good man. How I wish that were not a lie and was on my way there now. Maybe she is, with her new man in tow. That’s how normal people behave instead of sitting around and writing blogs all night to no one in particular. They made me feel like Family. That was rare for me.

I have played the last race more than 7 times on my Sky Box and I still have failed to watch it. I know who one. The Tv switching off automatically every 3 hours or so to remind me of my off my inability to engage with anything.

So now I have a a week or so to get myself ready to Project Manage a huge roll out for the NHS nationwide, in charge of a team, schedules and deadlines to keep to. The length and breath of this Island to travel. A few months back this might of been the best thing that could ever have happened to me,but these days I can’t even stop poisoning myself long enough to eat some food.

Maybe I’ll get the car tomorrow instead thou.

Advertisements