I am stuck in tbe Mausoleum for Christmas and beyond. I forgot to give notice. Amongst other things. More self-harm. Where else can I go anyway? I can’t leave myself behind. I can’t escape me. At least the herd of elephants living above for the last 6 months left today. Thank Fuck. I’m paranoid enough without your every footstep to accompany CNN.
I had good intentions. I was going to clean the Mausoleum today. It’s never been this filthy. Attack the foul stench of surrender. Take a bike ride along the river. Pick up the car. Return some calls before I lose the rest. But then the Monster came. He Scoffed me for the foolish optimism of yesterday. He knows I can’t turn him away. He knows how weak I am. He feeds on my self-doubt. My fear. My isolation. He knows I could no more tackle Everest oxygen-free than fight him again.. He knows how far I’ve fallen. He knows there is nothing else.
I have never faced such insistence. Such strength. Why can’t I fight him? I could before. He’s different. I am chained to him. Chained to the Mirror.
He won’t let me go. Not this time. Let me go! Please.