This is going to be a difficult post.

Surely after being left 2 times in the last 18 months I should have seen this coming? Should have prepared and planned (like NG did) and maybe looked to jump before I was pushed? Didn’t I see the writing on the wall? Why did I hold on to hope? The body language, the unexplained Depression, the apathy? Well. Yes and No.

NG left me 3 times in 4 years. The first time for 1 night, the 2nd time for 7 weeks and the last? Well. She never moved back in after February but she stayed maybe 30% of the time. She had made it purposely difficult for herself to cave in by moving 10 miles away and signing a 6 month lease til September where she worked. She left me because I triggered her own Monster by booking a 2 week holiday to Goa with a mate. I checked with her first. I asked her if I could go and made it clear I was seeking her blessing or I wouldn’t go. We were away for a weekend in Cornwall that she had booked as a Christmas present. We went away loads but that’s another post. It was a really nice weekend. She commented how well I was doing this year with my SAD a few days later. Then she did a 180. She didn’t want me to go. I was leaving her again and going to the place where I betrayed her trust by sexting a girl I had met the night before NG arrived to join me on a 4 month trip. I had taken maybe a bottle of vodka and 6 e’s. I suppose I was thinking ‘last night of freedom ‘ and all that rubbish. I have no idea what I was thinking. I was fried again. I was partying before I had to stop for NG.  I partied until an hour before she arrived. 6 months later and after NG had nursed me back to health from the nightmare that is Benzo Withdrawal she found the sexting in my tablet whilst I was away. I didn’t even remember it. It looked a lot worse than it was. From that moment I think ultimately it didn’t matter to NG that I never slept with another during our entire 4 year relationship. It didn’t matter that she would go on to pay me back with extra interest and never live to the standards she held me to.

Maybe I’m wrong. All I know is how little I know. Maybe I’d lost her the year before when she secretly tried to reconcile with the husband she had left after 11 years for me. I found out 2 years later. She did mention it in fairness but I didn’t know they were meeting and emailing. I found out a lot of other things too.

From that moment everything changed. But that’s another post. This may test the  time you have kindly given me to read this blog, and make you question your entire understanding of sanity, love and relationships. It did mine. And hers I’m pretty sure. It’s clear I still am. We shall never know if she is. She will not look back now. For lots of reasons. I think I understand them all but I don’t think she fully understands why I’m here now. And she should above anyone. Anyone. It never had to be this way. I didn’t need to feel this way. She will tell herself it was the only way. It wasn’t. I would have  adapted and seen the reason and logic in her actions. But I would have fought to hold her first and she couldn’t have that. But it’s not all about me. She needs to do what she thinks is best for her.  The shock and surprise of our Extra Hard Brexit has been a major factor in my downfall and she will know that too. Just as I know she has done the right thing.

What happens when a man and woman, that love each other dearly, both suffer from an entirely different yet equally recurring mental illness that feeds off itself and each other’s illness. Concurrently and separately. We were rarely well at the same time. If ever. I’d like to think that when the dust settles one day we could collaborate on a best selling self help book. I’d love her honest take and what a cool an unusual book it would be. But I’d at least have to still be alive and a grown up. Unlikely. And she’d have to stop hating me. Equally unlikely. Not to make a fortune but to have to got to that confirmation space where that might be possible one day. I hope I can do it the justice it deserves. It might even have a profiling value,  I wish I could write as well as I did before. I hope I can describe it accurately and fairly. What’s the point otherwise?

In not sure you’ll keep up. I’m not so sure we could keep up. But don’t worry if you don’t quite get it when all is said and done. We never did.

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