Things have not been normal for a while but this time last week they rocketed at full speed to Destination Crazyland. A old friend and the subject of my post ‘Wish I Wasn’t Here’ suddenly imploded on my life with much the same consequences as 4 years ago. The sense of Deja Vu is intense but in this movie I don’t get the girl at the end.
Whereas in the last 4 years I did pretty much all I could to stay on the straight and narrow, in no short thanks to NG, he has almost completely given up. He’s been in and out of jail, homeless, taken overdoses and generally been a drain on everyone he comes into contact with. We spoke about him staying here when he was recently released from jail. But I decided I couldn’t handle him, particularly in my very low current state. He said fine but a few days later a mutual friend contacted me to say he had taken an overdose and was in my local hospital. She had given up on him and fled to Majorca. She had been looking after him for 7 months. I agreed to ring the hospital . He told me he was being released too late to get to an appointment with his probation officer in another town and could I stay overnight. I couldn’t say ‘No’ again.
Well that one night lasted 4 days and even longer nights through to Monday morning and I had one of my lowest points in all my existence I think. And that’s a lot. I did some really stupid things. Even for me. I thought at first I was helping him but it became clear very soon even though he’d just tried to kill himself all he wanted to do was start again as quickly as possible. All I was doing was enabling him. He just sat there for 4 days not saying a word. Consuming everything in my house. By Monday morning nearly all my food was gone, including freezer supplies, all my alcohol and a huge amount of everything else. He was released in the care of no one from a hospital after 4 suicide attempts in a year. This is our modern, forward, caring and sharing society. He took no interest in helping himself and just dumped himself on me to care for him. To feed him, give him money, and a warm place to sleep.
Seeing this up close and personal again mad me very uneasy. It’s as if a mirror was being held up in front of me telling me this is how it ends for me too.And to show me what I put NG through in the times when I did fall off the wagon. They were not many, and never to the extent my 2nd Monster has. But they were not easy either. Strangest of all was an addiction I had formed without even realising it to Valium when I returned from a trip to India. That was a real kicker and stupid of me not realise I was taking far too much in India. When I came back to the UK I went into almost immediate Benzo Withdrawal and had to go on a 6 month taper plan. I’d also been drinking heavily in India and had probably lost the plot without knowing it. Benzo does that to you along with a half a bottle of vodka a day. I will go back to this or I will go off topic but it will definitely have a post of its own soon enough. For now I’ll just say it was a horrible recovery and NG hung around after to nurse me back to health. It took 8 months for me to fully recover. For that she will always get a free pass. That’s what confuses me about her. She can be so kind and compassionate and at other times just an empty vessel. or worse, a plotting, revengeful, calculated player of the finest order.
Not to digress she put up with that and the 3 or 4 other times I stumbled over the 4 years . Seeing my friend now I feel guilty how much I put on her. How much I must of drained her. How much of herself she committed herself to me. She used to come home from town in her lunch break just to come check on me, taking up all her break. She was lucky to get a sandwich. She insisted I started private counselling and I will never forget coming out of my first session and she was there to surprise me and walk me back. In her lunch break again. That was before it all went wrong over a stupid mail I wrote off my head. Things were never the same again. No matter how hard I tried. I didn’t cheat on her but I did betray her trust.
I digress again. So my other Monster? He now I’m a homeless hostel in my town. He walks the streets all day unless he comes here for a bit to warm up. He goes to the Library anddrinks 7.4 strength Lager with the little money he has. He eats by shoplifting and handouts. I can’t let him him get too close because he will consume me again. But neither can I completely turn him away. I can’t blank him although I know I should for my own protection. This is a character flaw I believe. NG has it too. But I don’t think she ever stayed with me out of pity. I’m not supposed to be kind hearted. People think I’m the Devil. I’ve fallen out with everyone close to me. It’s not always my fault but my foolish pride gets in the way of fixing things.
Ive let that happen too much. But I can’t fix all that now. All I can do for now is hang on to a life that seems to have been the inspiration for the Opening scene of ‘The Walking Dead’