Got an outing today. I had it made to measure in India this year.  I love stuff that is unique. That no one else has. India is good for that and not much else. It’s well cut. My head doesn’t dissappear into the shoulders when I attempt to shake a hand like it does on the crap from Thailand. I wondered would it still fit? I needn’t have worried. The looseness of it made me finally be brave enough to step on the bathroom scales after nearly 3 months. Oh well, I could afford to lose those 12kgs. Not much more though. My appearance has changed since NG walked away. I’ve let the dye grow out of my hair,  grown long sideburns and a pirate goatee. I’ve cut my hair differently. Now I’m no longer with a younger woman I find myself doing everything I can to look older. I couldn’t stand the look of the little boy lost I kept seeing in the mirror. It’s a positive, realistic change and I feel better for it. I still look good on the outside. Better than ever. More mature, refined and defined. I’m Dead Inside. Inside I’m still a little boy lost.

So back to the suit. I got little sleep after staying up to watch America make the worse decision in it’s history by electing Trump. I knew it would happen. Why? Because I had a £100 bet on him at 12/1 and cashed it out for £56 on Sunday. That’s the way my life is right now. I make a good decision and then ruin it. So I wondered if agreeing to go to an interview whilst the Monster is still loose was a bad idea. It probably was but I know the universe works in mysterious ways.  For all the complexity of life it is more often than not defined by the small things instead of the big things we expect. I know had I replied to a WhatsApp message in a slightly more positive way then NG and I would not have finished like this. I’m not saying we wouldn’t have ended up at the same  result, but it wouldn’t have ended like this. With her thinking I’m the Devil and me questioning whether I am. That didn’t need to happen. Why does that need to happen when less than 2 weeks earlier you were sharing a beer overlooking an Iberian Harbour at sunset together? Planning a future together. We should be in Dubai now with her wonderful parents whom I shall miss deeply. I took trouble to their door too but they never showed mr anything but love and kindness that humbles me still. Not because they like me, but because they back their daughter.  Why couldn’t I ever experience what that feels like? I guess I never deserved it.

So even though I knew the chances of me getting this new job were slim based on my mental health right now, I agreed to go. As much as the idea of a full time job for 6 months scares me to death I know it’s a chance to save me from myself. I’m still able to see that. Just. It didn’t start well when I left and looked at the address of the Interview. I got in the car and first passed the country estate where we used to go to the Farm shop and buy our naughty treats and look at the Wild Deer. A little further down the same road I passed the Sailing club where I kept my boat. NG and I shared so many good and frustrating times on that boat. We also had our James Bond moments that will never be forgotten. We got ourselves into some proper scraps at sea. We stayed onboard and ate fresh fish just caught with a bottle of wine with no one to bother us. Long summer days and cosy nights. But I didnt need those thoughts now. The rain came down heavier and I turned off the road into a Meduim Secure Mental Health Facility.  A Prison. Two thoughts sprung  immediately to mind. I really should read the paperwork and how very apt. My very own Shutter Island. I was always going to end up here one day anyway. That it might be my saviour now seems comical

I bluffed my way through the 90 minute ordeal. If you are good at interviews it’s a skill you don’t get to practice. I was rusty.  I was hiding my grief behind my £50 suit and my blue tinted glasses. I was not as lucid or as articulate as I can be. But I’ve not slept more than a few hours in a week so let’s get real. I was nervous because I was equally scared that if I did get the job would I be able to cut it right now and even more concerned about what not getting it might mean for me. When the role was explained it became clear this would be my most challenging and committed job in some time. It would use skills I’ve not utilised for years. To be responsible for staff. To plan. All the stuff I shyed away from because I took the easy option generally . When money is not a driver, life is not as easy as you think. But that’s another story for another time. Suffice to say for now I’m an under-achiever. I’m capable of far more but I don’t push myself. I told myself I didn’t need to. I think I got that wrong. And other things.

It was strange and very lonely going off with no one to text, no one to wish me good luck. No one to tell me to breath deeply and get there early. And therefore I left sad and lacking in confidence which I normally have in buckets. But that was when I was enabled by my rock and soulmate. My best friend that drove me mad. I don’t have that swagger of belief any more. I’d have smashed it if I did. I’m hoping the little I did manage to deliver today is more than most people’s best. It normally is. 

Maybe it wasn’t enough on this occasion. Maybe it’s too soon in my recovery to expect to climb that high so soon, and to possibly bite off more than I can chew. Maybe I need to sit in my Mausoleum some more before I can handle something like that.

But I got up, I got washed, I put my cheap suit on, I put myself out there and I did the best I could given the current circumstances. Maybe that’s the best I can expect for now. It’s a start. I didn’t cash out before the result. I held my nerve. 

Let’s see what the Universe has in store for me.

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