I need to start sorting my life out……any minute now. Whilst I have been ignoring reality and slipping further into the abyss, others have been rather busy. I am ashamed at the little I’ve achieved since the day she left. She is the Naughty Goat, which we will probably need to chop down to just NG from here on in if that’s OK. I may be typing it rather a lot I fear. Whilst I’ve barely got used to the idea that I won’t bump into her on the High St any day soon she has moved a hundred miles away, left and probably re-started a job, found new digs, made new friends and yes, even taken a new partner. I’m still here in the riverside love nest we built together after our last breakup in February 2015 that has become more like a mausoleum of late. I can’t express how hard that is and I fear another form of self harm. She was never one to let the grass grow under her feet. She got some possibly worrying  health news and took off into the midnight sun whilst I was on my way back from overseas to care for her. My going  overseas alone took her to her own Black Hole. I think it might go back to her father leaving to work overseas as a child and being separated from him during the Bosnian War. Shes a War Child. She’s very complicated. And other things that I must take the blame for.

I know what happened now. She told her friends she was ill and we were already at a point where she was hiding the relationship from them all. When she got offers of help new opportunities opened up to her. She just needed the smallest reason. And she took it. And I’m trying hard not to blame her for leaving me behind.

Inspired by her life-changing news she did just that and changed her life. She told me she had nothing to lose. She knew it was the only way she could finally end our relationship. She knew if she stayed around and let me care for her she would never have left me. She didn’t even tell me she had Cancer because she knew I’d have insisted she let me care for her. How she is coping with her new life and illness I have no idea. But even with her illness she is doing a lot better than me. She has support and understanding and love. I know that much. I am the stranded dog left in the street in the middle of the night. But I’m not a dog so there is no shelter for me. I am the little boy whose mother saw her 14 year old son become a ward of the state and taken away to a Care home. I still can’t process that and so now I can’t understand this. Our society has more in place to rescue animals than it does human beings. I need to start eating, exercising, socialising, planning, get a job and stop self harming. And that’s just for starters. And you might as well ask me to get you all the stars too the way things are.

I’m not sure if I told her I had everything to lose. I had kept investing in her til the end. I tried to practice unconditional love  though my parents never taught me how. I tried to be patient. But in the end everything I did agitated her. She has a cycle too. So now I feel like that young schoolboy wondering what the fuck just happened when a female figure of love walks out of  my life. I really struggle more than most. We will go there later.

I’m happy for her happiness. But I miss her. It’s hard to know she has moved on so soon and has a new life in an exciting new city. I don’t think I will ever see her again. She was complicated and crazy, and she broke my heart. A number of times. But in the end I connected with her like no other. We began to think alike. We earned out Spurs. We had so much fun most of the time. She gave me more than I will ever know and now that I am in my own  Black Hole again I can see more clearly than ever how much she helped me try to be a better person. In the end I just annoyed her and made her feel weak.

She is better off without me.

Advertisements