So, that’s it then. Week one is nearly done and dusted (save for a few hours that will hopefully/definitely pass by incident-free). I have spent the few days since my last post seeking out more apt sites than Bloggymoms.com for my posts which regular readers will realize have shifted somewhat from the very sad subject of Termination to Addiction and am not sure whether this will be my last post on the site. It would be a shame if that were the case as the support I have received here has been kind and non-judgemental, so maybe I shall keep adding here… but the new home for my blog is here and also at http://forums.about.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?nav=messages&webtag=ab… (under S.Long) which, as you can see, is more an appropriate platform for what I am blogging about these days..
So, Day 7, or the end of my first week. A week ago around this same time of day, I entered my local Cathedral and sat quietly for 10 minutes after leaving my first ever AA meeting (in this country) and had what many are describing as an “epiphany”. I’d decided that things couldn’t go on as they were any longer.. I had alienated just about everyone in my life that meant anything to me. I’d screwed up relationship after relationship, friendship after friendship, was losing money hand over fist due to my inability to keep my businesses running as I was either drunk or high and had just about lost all respect for myself after signing up for yet another dating site..And this time, sinking even lower by resting on previous “fame” working for a worldwide famous Rock Band, and even doing something I had never done previously, naming them, and even worse, adding pictures of me with them! All whilst drunk the night before…(I’ve since taken myself off the site by the way).
I was very lucky that immediately after leaving the Cathedral, I had a previously arranged coffee date with a very good female friend. I explained to her what I had done the night before, what had happened since then, and finally which direction I now intended to take my life in. She has always been there for me through the abortion, and way before that too. I took some flowers for her that I had hastily purchased just minutes before (a lot can happen in 15 minutes if you put your mind to it..). If anyone deserved flowers, it was her.. How I must have drained her over all those months without even realizing it.. Yet through it all, she never judged me or condemned me – she just offered support. She never told me how to lead my life, or how to “fix” it. She was just “there” for me whenever I needed her. I will always love this girl , not in a romantic way (I had that chance once and guess what? I blew that too..), just in a “real” way.. and if you are reading this A, thank you again.
She told me the weeks and months ahead would be tough and what I had done the night before would just lead to the attention of more no-good Gold-Digging women. I needed to hear that. Of course, she was right, and I knew that too. Immediately after that, I went home and wrote “Staying Sober, Day 1” (also on this site) through a flood of tears.
So as we pass my first little milestone, I have gone without a drink for 7 days, but more than that, I have returned drugs to people that I had bought them from, helped a friend in relapse on Day 2, been into Pubs with drunken friends without touching a drop, been exposed to Crack Cocaine without temptation to purchase and attended Recovery and AA meetings.
I have also contacted my grown up son and daughter and been completely honest with them about what I am going through (and received support from one of them, and that is good start) and even tried to apologize to ex girlfriends – at least all the ones that have not permanently blocked me on social networks – and tried to do a good turn for someone every day without telling them. And I have been honest with other significant people in my life about my ‘problem’ too.
My head is clearing more and more and I am getting in touch with the “old” me, the one I thought was dead and buried long ago, as each minute passes.
I went to a pub last night and again abstained with the help of Alcohol-Free beer (hold it with the label facing your hand and no one will ever know the difference) and if I am completely honest, the one thing I have noticed that will keep me out of them more than the temptation to drink, is the increase in volume that happens as the night wears on. And I’m half deaf from my old days of being on side of the stage of one of the world’s loudest bands! Bloody hell, I can’t believe I never noticed it before.. But then there were a lot of things I never noticed before.
I have described what I am going through as moving from Black and White TV, to Color, then HD and finally, even glimpses of Bluray.
I would like to end this post by thanking all those that have held out their hand to me in the last week, and there have been so many that it is quite humbling indeed. From all corners of the world. Thank you all so much. You inspire me hourly and don’t sit there and judge, as some people that live in “Glass Houses” are prone to do.
You simply have to want it bad enough, and when you do you’ll realize, untold doors open the day that desire meets determination. Do it for all those people your addiction – whatever it may be – has offended. But I have to tell you all, and those especially at the cusp of taking affirmative action, it has to come from within you.
Here’s to a happy and successfully Dry Day 8…